| Tips: As Baby Grows |
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Postarrival Checklist Bottles Keep bottles as an attachment tool for as long as possible. Although my child gave up bottles at 12 months, at about 18 months, we brought them back. Depending on current attachment needs, we give him one to three bottles a day (he's 2.5). Sweet milk (add a little sugar, honey-if over 12 months, or molasses), not only promotes attachment, but also specifically helps with eye contact. If he isn't looking at me, I gently slip the nipple out of his mouth and say, "Where are your pretty eyes? Mommy wants to see your pretty eyes." With eye contact, I pop in the bottle. I have noticed a direct correlation between eye contact and bottle use. If eye contact is getting poor, a bottle will almost always bring it back...and not just for the time using the bottle, but for the rest of the day (or more.) (a. 5.5mo, FC) Postpone Periods of Separation Stay close to baby and avoid long periods of separation. Many agencies suggest waiting a minimum of a year before leaving baby overnight. FAQ: My husband and I would like to take an overnight trip away from our baby. She's been home 8 months and seems to be doing fine. Should we go? Our daughter came home at the age of 4.5 months. Except for a couple of hours on the airplane she never seemed to EVER have any grieving or attachment issues at all. She was sleeping through the night by the 4th day and had wonderful sleep patterns after that . I always called her my champion sleeper. After she'd been home for 17 months and was 21.5 months old my husband and I decided to go on a 3 night getaway. She stayed with Grandma,Grandpa (whom she sees 2-3 times a week), and her 2 brothers whom she adores. I truly thought she would do great. I called a few times to check on her and everything was fine. She slept well, acted fine, ate well, had no tears anything. Sleeping Children with attachment issues and/or PTSD may have sleep difficulties ranging from trouble falling asleep to problems staying asleep, to nightmares, night terrors, or nap terrors. We have tried many, many things to improve our nights. I realized how long the list was when I asked my mom to babysit one evening (this was after he'd been home for almost two years). I had a long list of duties--all of which focused on getting him to bed and keeping him there. Sleep problems can present themselves right away or many months later--even after the child has been sleeping peacefully for months. Sleep Remedies: LavenderFAQ: Why shouldn't I use the cry-it-out method? Doesn't my baby need to learn to go to sleep independently and sleep through the night? Consider the emotional age of the baby. If your baby has only been home for 2 months, would you want a two-month-old baby--especially one who has experienced immense loss--to cry-it-out? Your baby may be older chronologically, but emotionally she is much younger. This is the time when you need to prove to your baby that you are always there to meet her needs so that she can learn to trust you. She has suffered many losses in her short life. She needs to be reassured repeatedly over a long period of time that you are always available, you will always take care of her, and that you are trustworthy. Remember, she has already experienced that mommies don't come back and are not to be trusted. Note: some professionals and parents have made connections between cry-it-out methods and attachment problems in biological children. For additional information, read this article about a Harvard study looking at American parenting practices as compared to parenting in other countries, notably the Gusii of Kenya who sleep with their babies and respond immediately to a baby's cries. FAQ: I've heard that co-sleeping is unsafe and that babies and children need to learn to sleep independently. Why should we co-sleep with our adopted son? Co-sleeping with babies and children is quite common in many cultures around the world. Like anything else with a baby, safety should be addressed (consider consulting The Baby Book by Dr. William Sears), but it is not difficult to set up a situation that is safe and accommodating. As far as independence goes, unfortunately, that is something that an attachment disordered child may already have far too much of; a little regression will only reap benefits. Those of us who have co-slept have noticed some very interesting benefits. The physical closeness appears to help our children with self-regulation in some of the same ways that we discussed in relation to the newborn and the biological mother. The child seems to derive comfort and calm from being close to mother's smell, heartbeat, breathing, and warmth. Over a period of time, the child seems less stressed and sleeps better. "At the age of 2, we tried again (after having failed several other times) to co-sleep with our son. It took about 6 weeks for everybody to learn how. It wasn't easy. But now, 8 months later, my son regularly snuggles into my neck as he sleeps. He creeps closer and closer during the night and often wakes, molded to my side, greeting me with a huge smile. One of the side benefits has been the extra measure of his attachment; when attachment is going well, it is reflected in his sleep. When it is not, his sleep confirms it and I can adjust my parenting methods to better meet his needs the following day." (a. 5.5mo, FC)Problem Behaviors Some days, a child with an attachment issue just seems to wake up already out of sorts. He may whine, scream, bite, or hit. This can be caused by the neurochemical changes in the brain as the child sleeps. Holding is one good way to help the child process some of these chemicals and get closer to a parent. Holding Time by Martha Welch, MD, is an excellent resource. It is important to note, however, that children who are adopted may react more intensely to the holding experience than other children. This article explains some of the differences: "Holding" emotionally or physically should be one in the same. At times, the child struggles with an abundance of sad choices: screaming, hitting, whining--toddler behaviors pushed to the extreme. The child is having difficulties with self-regulation. On those days, it's best for the child to stay extra close to Mom so that she can help him to regulate and make wise choices with his body. Help the Child to Regulate Use a Baby Carrier (Babies/Young Children) On days when my son's behaviors are extreme and his emotions are intense, I tell him he needs to be close to Mommy for a while and I carry him around in the front pack, facing me. I use this time to walk around the house and catch up on busywork (dusting the furniture and floors, putting things away where they belong, setting the table for dinner, etc…) While I walk around and carry him I talk soothingly about what I'm doing while kissing and stroking his cheeks and the top of his head. I often play soft, calming music at the same time. We have found Mozart to be especially calming. Once he's calm and ready to get down, I follow up the close time with Teddy Graham kisses (see Attachment Activities). The Ergo carrier is recommended and can carry children up to 60 lbs. Week before last I was on spring break and spent lots of time with my daughter, and she just seemed to be doing so great. I had to go back to work last week, then had the flu-of-death and kept myself literally behind closed doors for two days. The rest of last week with her was beyond challenging--lots of hitting, clawing, kicking, constant screaming. I started just popping her in the hip hammock as soon as I got home from work and wearing her until dinnertime. Did the same thing all weekend. Monday night at dinner, my husband said, "What have you been doing to her? She looks so calm and 'soft.' She's so relaxed, much better than she's been all day." I talked to him about the effect that I believe my wearing her has on her emotional state, as well as her attachment to me. Then, last night, I overheard my husband talking on the phone to a friend. He was describing how frenzied our daughter gets sometimes, and then told his friend about how I wear her, and how calm and sweet she gets as soon as I put her in the carrier. Ergo Recommendation Hook Mom & Child Together (Toddlers/Older Children) On days when the child lacks the ability to self-regulate, it helps to tie the child to mom. A cloth jump rope or a short clothesline joining each person's belt loops works well. On days that my son is struggling, he seems to immediately calm if we are tied together. I continue about my work as usual with him always within a few feet of me. Rather than this being a punishment, it often turns out to be a reward for both of us: his behaviors cease, alleviating his frustration and mine. When the Child Makes Sad Choices Hitting Time-in Rather than putting him in timeout, we sometimes put him in time-in. Sometimes that involves a brief period of holding with words like "You may not hit your brother. I will let you down when your body is ready to make wise choices." The idea is to hold him until he calms down. Sometimes it means that he is confined (a highchair, a playpen), but always in the same room as us. Practice Being Gentle At about 26 months, our son started hitting his siblings. No consequence seemed to alleviate the behavior. I started wondering if I should invest in protective padding for the other kids. Fortunately, our attachment psychologist gave us a winning alternative. She lined up all three kids (ages 9, 8, and 26 months) on a couch. She opened a package of candy Nerds™. She asked the 9yo to practice being gentle to the 8yo. The 9yo lovingly stroked 8yo's hand. She popped a candy Nerd in 9yo's mouth. Then, she asked 8yo to be gentle to the 26mo. The 8yo complied and a Nerd was placed in his mouth. As you might guess, by this time, the 26mo's little mouth was hanging open and he's stroking everyone's hands. The psychologist told us to do this multiple times a day. To just stop everything and practice "being gentle." At which point, of course, a little candy gets popped into the mouth of each person as they take a turn being gentle. In hours, the hitting decreased by 90%. Jumping The child may benefit by jumping on a mini exercise trampoline while repeating, "I will be gentle," ten times. Give Sympathy to the Victim When a child hits, turn to the victim and shower him with sympathy: hugs, kisses, words of condolence, and perhaps even a small treat to make him feel better. Give no attention to the offender. Temper Tantrums Note: Some children with attachment problems try to harm themselves during temper tantrums by head banging, hair pulling, self-biting/hitting, etc… If self-harm is an issue for your child, please consult an attachment therapist immediately. Head banging, in particular, can do permanent neurological damage and needs to be addressed immediately. Slow Breathing Say, "Take a deep breath with Mommy," and take several slow, deep breaths in a row. Counting Pick up the child, count slowly (up to 1 minute per year old), all the while breathing slower and slower as you count. With practice, the child builds an internal way of coping. Physical Jolt Because the meltdown is connected to the nonverbal part of the brain, you can sometimes readjust brain focus with a physical activity. Like jump (preferably hard, like from a low couch onto the floor, or on one of those little exercise trampolines--the personal size--with a parent) or run. Dancing to Sesame Street CDs often produces great results. Inside-Out Stretch Ball At an attachment workshop I was introduced to an "Inside-Out Stretch Ball" or "Mondo Ball." The ball is small, made of very soft rubber, and can turn inside out. One side is smooth, the other side has soft rubber spikes. In the middle of a meltdown, I flip it to the spikey side in front of him (a visual, nonverbal representation.) When he calms, I reverse to the smooth side. Stay Close, Avert Gaze During a raging meltdown, stand close by, but avert your gaze. Let the rage go. Then look at the child with concern. Close Time with Mommy As soon as a sequence of tantrums begins, I know my son is overly anxious and needs to be close to me. I immediately say, "Looks like Johnny needs to be close to Mommy," and I keep him close in the Ergo until he calms and remains calm for a significant period of time. Draining Mom's Energy When Mom gets an energy drain from the child's screaming, whining, tantrums, or aggressive behaviors, the child can help put Mom's energy back by helping around the house. The child's self-esteem and his ability to self-regulate increases. Jobs that are well suited for young children may include:
When a child refuses to comply with his parent's request, the parent can give the child a choice. For example, the parent might tell the child it is time put away his toys. The child refuses. The parent then says, "Would you rather put away your toys right now or would you rather go to your thinking spot and think about putting away your toys?" When he is done thinking about doing the job, he immediately attends to the parent's original request. In some cases, the parent is able to preemptively determine that a child is about to make a poor choice. For example, a child might always throw a temper tantrum about getting dressed in the morning. Instead of waiting for the child to make a sad choice (and start the tantrum), you might say, "You are going to get dressed. Would you like to get dressed right now and go pick out your favorite cereal for breakfast, or would you rather sit and think about getting dressed and have Mommy choose your cereal?" Thinking Spot It's helpful to train a child to use a thinking spot before he makes a sad choice and needs to use it. Learning to use a thinking spot can become a very positive interchange. One Mom writes, "I started by making it a game. I'd call from somewhere in the house and her job was to answer within 3 seconds, "Yes, Mama," and come as fast as possible. If she didn't, Mama got to eat an M&M (hmmmm...maybe that explains the extra pounds) in front of her. Then I'd ask, "Want to try again?" I'd then tell her, "Go to your thinking spot." If she complied, quick and snappy (within 3 seconds), there would be a happy dance and an M&M. We'd do this at least 5x/5x per day. I also got a butterfly shaped rug for her special thinking spot. When she makes a sad choice I always have her tell me "Sorry I was _______ (fill in the blank)", give me a kiss & hug (can always tell by the quality whether she'll be back at her thinking spot soon) and verbalize why she had to go think about a good choice. Depending on the offence du jour, jumping on the trampoline could follow too." Mini Trampoline Jumps She jumps on the mini trampoline several times a day, not connected with a behavioral consequence. We have a list of 6 phrases to say. As all that serotonin is being release via the joint compression, she is associating the "good feeling" with "I will obey Mama/Papa," "I will be quick and snappy," "I will be respectful," "I will be pleasant," "Mama/Papa is in charge," "I will be gentle." Each times she jumps, we ask her to repeat the phrase (we choose), 10x. I know this is working because last Saturday, at music class, a mom came over to me just busting a gut laughing. She asked my daughter if she would like to go sit in the van with the other kids. My 4-year-old daughter said, "Why yes...and I will be pleasant, I will be gentle and I will be respectful...ooooooo...this will be fun!!!!" Separation Anxiety Children with attachment issues (particularly those with anxious attachment) often experience intense separation anxiety. Sometimes the anxiety is obvious (a child screaming when the parent leaves), but other times the child looks perfectly fine during the parent's absence, only to meltdown in the minutes, hours, or days after the parent returns. My son does fine at Grandma's house. But, at the height of his anxious attachment, he would run to the door to greet me, only to turn around the minute I stepped in the door and refuse to come to me or look at me. Now, after a year of therapy, this is much better. However, when his dad goes on a business trip, he appears to be fine while Daddy is gone but then has a lot of angry behavior when Daddy gets back. During holding time with Daddy, he'll tell Daddy that he was angry that Daddy was gone on a trip. Anticipate the Anxiety While my son is playing independently, he becomes very anxious if he doesn't know where we are and what we're doing. Something as simple as going to the kitchen to refill my cup can cause a meltdown if he looks up and I'm not where he saw me last. I've found that my son is a lot less anxious when I tell him where I am going and what I am doing. Saying, "Mommy is going in the kitchen to get more water. I will be right back. Mommy always comes back," causes him to watch me leave and proves to him over and over throughout the day that Mommy always comes back. I don't really need to be leaving the room to announce what I'm doing. I often give my son the play by play and he feels safer. For example, just picking things up in the same room causes him to lose track of me and the anxiety kicks in. So to prevent the anxiety from kicking in, I tell my son what I am doing as I do it. "Mommy is going to the closet to get a shirt. Look, Mommy picked a blue shirt to wear. Now Mommy is going to brush her hair." The safer and less anxious he became the less I needed to give the play by play except for my comings and goings from rooms. We actually began doing this a few months after our son came home when he didn't care if I was there or not. By announcing my every move, he began to notice me more and would watch to see what I was doing. Later when he went from avoidant to anxious, my announcements saved us from meltdowns a lot of the time. Where Do My Loved Ones Go? Our son went through a period of constantly asking, "Where is Daddy?" I'm quite sure we replied, "At work," at least a thousand times. At some point, we tried to make a game out of it by saying, "Daddy's on the moon," or "Daddy's under the table," or "Daddy's in the refrigerator." He loved this game and often invented his own places for Daddy. When his anxiety over Daddy's location continued, we tried another tactic; we sent him to work with Daddy in the morning. Although he'd been there before, he'd never left the house with him on a regular morning work schedule. He gave all of us kisses before he left, just like Daddy always does. He appeared quite proud. He enjoyed about 30 minutes at work with Daddy until I came to pick him up. When he got in the car he said, "I miss Mommy." We used digital photos of his visit to make a book showing where Daddy goes each day. Preparing for a Parent's Absence Although most attachment professionals would recommend that the parents stay close to the child until he feels secure, it may take years for some children. Inevitably, in that amount of time, there will come an instance when Mom or Dad must be away for a short period: for a business trip, an out-of-town wedding, a graduation, etc… Here, parents offer suggestions to make the separation easier: I bought a small album and my husband took lots of pictures of me...packing my suitcase, picture of the brother whose wedding I am going to, picture of me kissing our son goodbye, picture of me getting in the car, picture of Daddy taking care of our son, etc. Each page has a bit of text to explain what will happen from beginning to end. The book ends with Mommy coming home--walking in the door and hugging our son. Additional Suggestions: |
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